Please see link in post below...

The last couple of months have been a bit of a struggle for me.  Not something I like to admit but sometimes it is good to be a little transparent. 

August and September were just very stressful both with working a new job and working many hours.  One of my coworkers had surgery just after I started and I was working both my job and hers....a lot of stress.  Then of course many other stresses that come with life.  Being tired all the time didn't help nor did allergies.  My co-worker returned the end of Sept...this was good. 

Just a side note here...I bring on my own stress.  I allow it to get to me.  I am not a laid back person that can just go with the flow or let things wait.  This is just one of the things I would love to change about myself.

Then on Sept. 30 on my 5 minute drive to work I find out one of my aunts had died unexpectedly.  So add sadness to all that stress. 

Once things seem to start to settle down my husband and I were able to get away for a few days.  This was a BIG help for both of us.  We had so much fun and the weather was perfect.

Now we are headed into the holidays.  For me I see more stress.  I wish I didn't but I do. 

A friend shared with me the below link and it really hit home to me.  Since the middle of Sept. I have felt...well distant from God and I feel I try and try to get back but feel like I keep failing.  I don't feel I am in the exact place this man was as he wrote that but I can relate to a lot of it.  I encourage you to take just a moment to listen to it.

I won't give up on seeking as I know God will NEVER GIVE UP ON ME!!!

Crisis & Craziness

It is so hard to find time to get on here these days.  Life has been absolutely crazy, more so since I am going to Haiti in...well just over 11 days.  The last 3 weeks have been met with so many changes.

My oldest son went to Japan for 2 weeks to visit his girlfriend.  YES, he was there when the earthquake hit.  He just got home this past Sunday.  PLEASE PRAY FOR JAPAN!!  Unfortunately he had to leave his girlfriend there. 

My heart is so broken for the people of Japan.  I heard on the news someone say something about how this was going to affect our economy--WHAT--who cares.  What about the lives of all the people in Japan with no homes, no food, lost loved ones.  Their fears of more earthquakes and tsunami's and the nuclear plant.  Really, come on are we really that spoiled here in the USA??  YEP!!  I admit I am one of the spoiled Americans but my heart does not want to be that way.  I care much more about people than I do money or stuff.

OK, so with my oldest son in Japan my 2 youngest moved out into an apartment together.  My husband and I had an "empty nest" for 12 days--FUN!! 

With my youngest 2 moving out we gave them our family room furniture.  This was planned before I knew about and decided to go to Haiti.  So we are in a rush to get the floor up, carpet in and the furniture here on top of me preparing for this trip.  Still working on all that.

Add in doctor visits and shots, lots of shopping AND working until last week when I quit my job.  Yes, I gave them 2 weeks on the 28th of Feb.  I just have been so overwhelmed with so much going on that I knew it was time to let the job go.  On top of all that our computer is acting up--not sure what is up with that but it is driving me crazy (well crazier).

So the last few weeks have been quite a ride and I would like to get off this crazy bus BUT I still have so much to do in the next 12 days and then to serve in Haiti for a week.  I am still afraid to fly but I know people are praying for me.  I have good days and bed ones.  I have nightmares about flying.  One thing I do know is God did not send me on this trip for nothing so no matter what happens He will be with me and I will be OK.  I am still praying for great flights and no anxiety or panic on the flights.  I don't want the rest of the team having to drag me onto the next flight.

Well that kind of sums up the last few weeks...briefly.  Hope yours is going well and if you are like me you are ready for Spring!!  Now back to getting things done around here...

Welcome 2011...

OK so I am a few days late but what's new.  Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and a great start to the New Year.  I know I have. 

With the new year comes changes.  A lot of people make new years resolutions...I don't.  I just have pretty much the same goals year after year---survive!!  OK, I have more than that but they are pretty much the same.  Does that mean I will never get it right?  Do I need to rethink how I think?  Do I need to change my goals?  Or do I just think to much?  (my guess is the last one)

I did a LOT of changing in 2010.  I started a job after being a stay-at-home mom for a long time.  That was a BIG change for me and a tough one.  I have no regrets taking that job since it taught me so much about myself and helped me to see a few things more clearly.

Today I turned in my 2 week notice to resign from my current job.  It was not easy but it was something I needed to do.  I was very thankful to my manager for taking a chance with me and she was very understanding.  I told her I believe it was a God thing that I got the job and that I had learned so much.  She agreed which was nice to hear. 

Twelve hour days were just not a good fit for me and that is hard.  It makes me feel old and I am not.  When I told my manager that she said they lose a lot of people due to 12 hour days.  I have to say if you work 12 hour days then you know what I mean...they feel more like 20 hour days.

So what is next you may ask (or maybe you don't really want to know but you have read this far and figure you might as well keep going).  I am starting a new job next week.  Two days a week.  No weekends or holidays.  No 12 hour days.  Same 2 days every week so it will make it easier to plan.  I am very excited and a little nervous but more excited.  Plus it is closer to home.  I still have one more day to work at my other job and that is next week also.  It will be a busy week.

So that is how 2011 has started for me and if feels good.
(except for the cold I have) 

I hope your 2011 is off to a GREAT start!!

Finding God's Will

Once again I am over-thinking my life and what I am suppose to do.  One would think at my age I would know but NOPE.  I do know I want to be walking in God's will and that brings me to where I am at now in my thinking (or over-thinking). 

What is God's will for my life?  Something I ask myself a lot BUT I am not the one I should be asking.  I do ask God what He wants me to do but I tend to get impatient and do things the way I think they should be done. 

So I have been working to figure out what God's will is for my life.  One thing I know is that He wants me to take ONE DAY AT A TIME!!  I am working on that one.

Part of this has to do with my job.  Since starting my job I have been stressed and that led to a depression which has made life difficult for me and my family (mostly my husband since the kids are older but I am sure it has affected them also).  I was trying to figure out if I did the "wrong" thing in taking this job.  Why was I feeling this way.  Why was I not content.  What was wrong with me.

So here are some things I HAVE figured out and learned about myself and about God's will in my life.

First, I know that God does NOT hide His will from us as long as we are seeking Him and wanting to live a life pleasing to him.  If we are walking daily with God and seeking Him then we are living His will for us. 

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.  Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."  Romans 12:1-2

Second, there really is no "wrong" in taking the job.  I did and do feel like God blessed me with the job so that is one reason I was so frustrated with how things have turned out BUT then I started thinking back to when I went on the interview and how I said that I would take the job if offered because I would NOT make that mistake again.  Meaning that I was offered a job in the summer of 2009 and turned it down because I did not feel a peace about it.  This time I felt at peace either way.  I was in a good place and was happy if I was offered the job and would be happy if I was not.  So Yes, I believe He blessed me with the job.  I also believe I took a few things into my own hands and that is what added the stress and struggles along the way.

"You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:21

At this time I feel at a crossroads in my job.  I have cut back my hours but still have the cons outweighing the pros in keeping the job.  So for now I will stick with it and just keep praying God will direct me on what I should do.  Give the "less" hours a try before making a final decision.  Plus I know that whether I stay at the job or not there is no "wrong" answer there because God can and will use me as long as I am walking with Him.


Next, I learned that when walking in God's will we will have peace.  Not perfect happiness or lack of stress and struggles just peace knowing we are right where God wants us.

There were a few questions that came up in my search for knowing God's will:

"What are your deepest longings?"

"What are you passionate about?"

"What is the desire of your heart, what is your heart telling you?"

This is where it really hit me.  As I was really drawing closer to God last spring I knew that I was really feeling a desire to strengthen my marriage and work on being the wife that my husband needs.  This is something I have worked on all our marriage BUT raising kids and other life events have made this more difficult.  

Just a little background--we had kids VERY young and were married when we were just kids.  We have had to grow up together and have had so many ups and downs that I was looking forward to this time in our lives to just be a "couple" and grow in that.  Since doing things a bit "backwards" by having a couple kids before getting married we have never really had time to just be a couple.  We are young, early 40's, and ALL our kids are adults now.  It is time for US!!  With my husbands job being a bit crazy and at times overwhelming and stressful I feel it is my job and my desire to be his support and love him and be there for him instead of being in a job that is causing me stress.  We don't need both of us stressed out--not a good combination.

OK, so now I know where my passion and desire is--I WANT TO BE A HOUSEWIFE!!  It is what I have been for so long, that and being a stay at home mom.  Sometimes we think we want something but then when we get it we realize it is not really what we wanted but what we had is what we really wanted.  We just need to learn to be content with what we have and look at the positive and not let the negative make us discontent in a place we know we should be.

I love my husband with ALL my heart and I know I want to be his wife for the rest of my life.  I know I want to serve him.  My spiritual gifts are serving, mercy & encouragement and I thought it was time to take those gifts somewhere else.  I do believe God can and will continue to use my gifts as He sees the need outside my home but I do see that those gifts are there to also serve, show mercy & encourage my husband. 

 "A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown."

Proverbs 12:4a 

I have said over the last couple weeks "I just want my life back" but what did I mean by that...I want to be where I was last spring before I started my job.  I want to be growing daily in the Truth and not be who I have become (a tired grumpy woman) which I don't like.  So that is my plan and I do hope, pray and believe it is God's plan for me as well.

"I'm Busy"

My husband uses Our Daily Bread devotional and I do at times but not recently.  He will usually tell me when he reads one that he knows I would want to read and yesterdays was one that really hit home with me so I would like to share it with you.

This is from Our Daily Bread on Oct. 4th.  You can find all their devotions on their website at http://odb.org/.

Keeping Busy?

October 4, 2010 — by Julie Ackerman Link

But does God determine our value by how busy we are? Does He calculate our worth by how much we accomplish? Does He reward us for living on the edge of exhaustion and not taking care of ourselves?

One of the first verses I learned as a child was Matthew 11:28, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” It didn’t mean much to me at the time because I didn’t understand weariness. But now that I’m older, I feel the temptation to keep pace with the world so I won’t be left behind.

But followers of Jesus don’t have to live like that. Not only has He released us from slavery to sin but also from the bondage of having to prove our worth.

Accomplishing a lot for God may make us feel important, but what makes us important to God is what we allow Him to accomplish in us—conforming us into the image of His Son (Rom. 8:28-30).

Christ never asks of us such busy labor

As leaves no time for resting at His feet;

The waiting attitude of expectation

He often counts as service most complete. —Anon.

Our value is not measured by what we do for God but by what He has done in us.

I got so much out of that. I am that "busy" person. I feel I need to make sure others know that I have a "full" plate and if I am not "busy" then I feel like I am not "good enough" as a woman. Now that I am working I find it even more difficult to just relax and sit at the feet of Jesus. Between work days I have things to get done AND I am exhausted all the time.


Recently I realized just how much I was NOT taking care of myself and started making some changes. Some of the changes are slow in coming but it will happen.

I love my job but I don't want to neglect the most important things in my life and those are:
*Spending time with my Lord everyday
*Taking care of myself (exercise/rest/eating right)
*Spending time & taking care of my family
*Spending time with friends

So how "busy" are you? Just something to think about...

Falling down...

...is not FUN!!  So here's the story.  Yesterday I was working and it was going fine when I went to get a room ready for a kiddo coming from surgery.  There had been another kid in there earlier and the cleaning crew had come in and got the room all nice and clean.  This is all good.  I got ALL the stuff I needed for the kiddo coming in and as I took a few steps inside the room...WAMMMM I was on the ground BUT the linens were in my left hand up in the air NOT touching the floor (this is very important).  I hit hard and it hurt.  My right hand and wrist started bruising right away.  I had help immediately but I was afraid they would fall so told them to be careful.  Usually the cleaning crew will leave a sign outside the room to let us know the floor is still wet.  There was NO sign.  I was more embarrassed than anything at the time except my hand hurt.  I had to go to occupational health (sorry but that was a joke--"can you bend your elbow?"--YES, "can you bend your wrist?"--YES, "do you need to see a doctor?"--NO--that was it).  So back to work I went and I had people asking the rest of the day if I was OK and I was but I knew I hit that floor hard and I knew I would be sore once I slowed down.

So I have had a lot of ibuprofen to help and my wonderful husband got me some before I got out of bed this morning since I was already feeling the aches from the fall.  As my day has gone on I have felt the aches and pains of that fall but I am fine.  I have bruises that I am thinking "how did I get that one from the fall" but who knows. 

Thankfully I have today off and the weekend for that matter--WOOHOO!!  I have a date planned with my hubby but a few of the things we thought about (bowling was one) we are not going to do since I fell.  Don't want to make anything worse.  We can still have FUN!!

I haven't been on much or posting things I want because 1) I have been busy, 2) I have been really stressed out lately & 3) been feeling a bit down but thankfully feeling a bit better today.  I am sure the "down" moods have been from the stress and I am working on that. 

Just read in my devotion this morning on having a "full" schedule, even if it is filled with "good" things is NOT good.  There is a season for everything and God does not want us filling our schedules to the point we don't have time for Him, family, friends & ourselves.  Even if those things are things that we know we are doing to serve God.  Like I said a season for everything and we need to make sure to check in and ask God what He wants us to be doing NOT just doing.  Maybe this is NOT the right time to take on teaching Sunday school or volunteering with the elderly.

As I read it reminded me of how I had been asking God about balancing work and home and then a week later He took away my volunteering.  My volunteering was a good thing and I really loved doing it.  I miss it but that season is over and it is time to move on and that is what I am doing.  That freed me up to make more time for my family.  I think God knew I wouldn't just give it up easily so He just took it.

I am still working towards that balance.  Some days are much better than others.  It is only the middle of Sept. and I am already stressing about the holidays.  Why, you ask?  I am a planner and the one thing about my job is I don't know what I am working until about 12 days before the next 4 week schedule comes out.  Very hard to plan.  Also I know I will be working 2 major holidays this year and my husband will be off.  My husband has reminded me that maybe I am the one that needs to be there on those days.  God uses me at work so much and I feel so blessed to be there.  I also know that God already knows my schedule and so I need not worry about it. 

I thought of changing my "worry" box to a "stress & worry" box since I feel so much stress at times.

Well I started this with my falling down story and then rambled on about other things.  That is me and how my life is...what can I say.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I hope to be back with more next week!!

Last Saturday

OK, not the greatest title but that is what I am going to talk about for just a minute here.  I worked last Sat. (and Monday on this 3 day weekend) and my day started off on the wrong foot, so to speak.  I didn't sleep well, had a nightmare that I woke crying in and when I was getting ready I read an email that made me cry.  Obviously something was "off" in me.  My mood was not the best and I really didn't want to go to work.  Not because I don't like my job but for other reasons.  I wanted to be home with my husband on this nice weekend.  I have felt "less" at work because I am not a nurse (this is a me issue that I have to work on).  So on my way I went with the wrong attitude to start my day.  I prayed on the way there that God would help me and change my attitude.

The day was busy and at times a bit crazy but it was going and I was enjoying taking care of others I just had that nagging negative thought going through my head that I am not good enough because I am not a nurse.  This of course is a LIE and I know it but that didn't stop my mind from going back to it over and over.

There is a wonderful young lady that is also a care assistant but in nursing school and will soon be a nurse but she has been in my shoes and is so easy to talk to.  I just adore her and she has been a big emotional support for me in my job.  She was working on Sat. and so I asked if we could talk a minute and we did and she encouraged me but it was still hard.  I do get nurses encouraging me to go on to nursing school and that doesn't help either.

OK, so I am rambling let me get to my point...

After I had eaten my lunch I had time so I called my husband and he was busy doing yard work and having a good day--without me--this made me sad but I was happy his day was going well.  I then get off the phone and realize I have 15 minutes left for my lunch break and I was all alone.  So I had me a little conversation with God.  This went on for the rest of my break and then I went on back to work.  Was my mood better?  No, not really but I was working on it. 

A bit later I was feeding a boy that could do nothing for himself.  He has to totally rely on someone else for his survival.  This was the 3rd time that day I was feeding him and when I do I talk to him even though I am not sure he hears me.  I said a little prayer for him and then out of the blue I could just feel God saying to me "whatever you do for the least of these you do for me".  OK God I get it.  You put me here.  You took away my desire to go on to nursing school.  I love what I do there--most of the time.  I am there to serve these kids, their families and the nurses.  I am usually great with that but it has recently been bothering me.  I was "feeling" less important because I am not a nurse.  I look at everyone as important no matter their education level or job or anything.  Why can't I look at myself that way.  God does.

I think of all the people in the Bible God called to serve and most of them were "less" in the eyes of society at that time.  God did GREAT things through these people.  As long as we are walking in God's will and want to be used it doesn't matter where He puts us it just matters that we go and do in Jesus name. 

I am still working on all this.  I don't want to go to nursing school, I don't believe that is where God wants me.  I have no peace about it.  So I have to keep praying God will work this out in my heart and I will remember that I am working for God and not man.

Here is the passage that I got once I got home and looked up what I felt God was telling me.

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory.  All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.  He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

Matthew 25:31-40

Also as I worked on my thoughts about myself and my position at work this verse came to mind.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."  Col. 3:23-24

I just have to remember that I am working for God, NOT man.  This really helped me when I was back on Monday--Labor Day.  That day went better for me. 

So, no pictures in this post which is odd for me but I really wanted to share my heart and how God is working even when I am being a big baby about life.  This too shall pass...

Struggling

I am struggling.  I lost 4 lbs when I was sick just over a month ago and I can't afford to lose weight.  I have tried to gain it back but with the busy days and trying to adjust to working again it just isn't happening.  Plus add the stress that I put on myself or allow myself to take on and that doesn't help.  I am not a stress eater, I am the opposite of that.  Eating is difficult when I am stressed.

I took a day off this week to try and feel better but it is not working.  I knew that stepping outside my comfort zone would be uncomfortable but this is way beyond that.  I could take uncomfortable but this is very painful and very unpleasant.  I think I am doing well then realize I am not.  The stress is killing me and it is not the job itself but me and the pressure I put on myself.  They are working with me to make sure I take care of myself and then I feel weak, like I can't do what everyone else can do.  I just don't understand and I wish I did. 

Adjustment

That is where I am at right now.  Learning to adjust to being a working woman.  I love my job but I don't always like getting up so early.  I don't like being tired ALL the time and crying more than usual.  I know that this too shall pass but I am not the most patient person when it comes to things like this. 

I want to know everything NOW and I know that is not going to happen.  I expect way more out of myself than anyone else.  I have put so much pressure on myself that it is making me sick and I have to stop doing that.


I want to have energy and to feel great NOW and not 3, 6 or even 12 months from now...PATIENCE!

I want to not cry at every little thing all the time now...PATIENCE!

Even as I am typing this out something jumps right out at me and it is the "I WANT" part.  I sound like a 2 yr old and forgetting what does God want from me.  What does God want me to do. 

God wants me to trust HIM:

"Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you"  Isaiah 26:3

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."  Jeremiah 17:7

God wants me to put my strength in HIM:

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble"  Psalm 46:1

"I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength"  Philippians 4:13

God wants me to know that He would not give me something He was not going to equip me to handle.  When I want to obey but it just seems to hard.

"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach."  Deut. 30:11

So as I go about another day I just need to remember that I am in this with God because He said He would never leave me nor forsake me.  This is a Truth I plan to hold on to.

I will close with some great verses that I just love and was reading this morning.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  Philippians 4:4-8

Today I will chose to Rejoice in the Lord!!

Life as I know it....

I am now a working woman and life as I knew it is different than what I have known for so long.  Of course life changes all the time.  This is a good...NO a GREAT change for me, just an adjustment and not just for me but also for my husband.  He is my biggest cheerleader but still having to adjust to a tired wife & a working wife.  I don't think it has been much of an adjustment for the kids, maybe a little but they are older and doing their own thing anyway. 

This is how I feel when I am home:

I am sure I will get used to all this soon and will not be so tired when I am home.  I did feel a bit overwhelmed on Thurs. after working Tues & Wed knowing I was working Friday.  I just felt like I had a lot to do and not enough time to get it all done in.  How did I take care of everything when I worked before?  At that time I had 2 small kids BUT I was younger and didn't know as much about life as I do now.  Plus I wasn't away from home for 14 hours on the days I worked.  Right now I drive to work watching the sunrise & home watching the sunset--pretty cool but I know that will change with the seasons.

I do know that I am absolutely LOVING my job.  I know I am right where God wants me at this time in my life.  I find I am so tired at home but I have the energy I need for those long days.  I appreciate all the prayers from family & friends that are praying for me--they are helping.  I see God's hand in everything I am doing and how He has been working in & through me in this job.  I feel so blessed I don't even have words for how I feel.

On Thurs, my day off, I asked my husband if I could just be a lazy housewife.  Of course that is not what I want but I was feeling so tired and overwhelmed.  I am over that...at least for today.

As I was preparing for my week I was cutting strawberries to take for a snack and it reminded me of when my kids were younger and cutting up LOTS of fruit for them and standing at the sink for a long time to cut all kinds of fruit to have it all eaten in a very short time.  Four kids can go through fruit FAST.  I usually made 2-3 bowls and made them eat it over 2-3 days instead of all at once.  Anyway, as I was standing there cutting the strawberries I thought of that and I was a little sad, I was missing having young ones around but I know that phase of my life has passed and one day I hope to be cutting strawberries for my grandkids.  It is funny how ones perspective on an event from years ago can be so different.  Back then I am sure I was dealing with impatient kids and a list of things to get done while cutting all that fruit but now all I remember is how much I loved doing that for my kids.  I don't think about any of the "stresses" that may have been surrounding me at that time in my life.  Interesting!!

OK, a little off the subject but that is how my brain works--haha.  I have been working on a balance to make sure I put God as my first priority of everyday.  I am getting up and have my spot where I sit and have a little prayer then do my devotion & the Bible reading to go with that.  I then listen to worship music as I get ready, then on my drive to work I use that as my prayer time.  So far this is working out very well for me.  I feel that God has prepared me well for this job and he will cont. to give me what I need to cont. to do this work for him.  I see it more as a ministry for God to use me than a job.  I pray God will use me to serve everyone I work with.

One verse that I came across about a week ago has been a BIG help for me is Psalm 37:5 (this is the NLT version).  I made a card up to carry with me and here is what it looks like:

I pray this everyday.  I commit ALL I do to the Lord, Trust him & ask for his help knowing he will help me in all I do. 

How reassuring!!

(I am not sure why I used this picture but I thought it cute even though the cat is after the little birdies).

.....Ummmm

OK, so last week was my first week on my job and it went just fine.  I said I would come back with some struggles I had.  Well here I am and I am not sure where to start. 

Besides recovering from an illness, being tired and a bit overwhelmed with so much information I did have a bit of a struggle with......ENVY!

What was I envious of? 

Here is a little background to let you in on why I had/have a bit of a struggle with this.

I became a Medical Assistant right out of high school and loved it.  I worked part time as I was raising my kids but found that to be a bit much and then quit.  I had a desire to someday become a nurse.  Through the years I have taken classes to slowly get me to that goal.  Since my kids are now older I have had the opportunity to go back to school and finish the needed classes to apply to nursing school.  In August of 2008 I did just that.  By the summer of 2009 I had all the classes I needed and pretty much everything except a physical done ready to apply in Sept. 2009.  When I started classes in 2008 I gave it all to God and asked that he would let me know if I was doing this because I needed something to do or was it still a passion.  During that time while taking classes I went back and forth on whether or not this was still really a passion or was it becoming more of a pride thing.  Did I just want to have an RN behind my name and be able to tell others I was a nurse.  With the help of a godly woman, my mother-in-law, I was able to see that my "confusion" at the time was really a lack of peace about the whole thing.  I then spent some time in fervent prayer about the situation and realized that it was NOT the right time for me to apply to nursing school.  WOW, did I have peace after that.  Once I let it go I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulder's.

I started applying to hospitals for Care Assistant or CNA positions because I really have a passion for health care and knew that I could use that in some way.  My Medical Assistant background would help but I was too far removed to go back into working as a Medical Assistant.

OK, now to the ENVY of last week.  I am a Care Assistant at a Children's Hospital, the same one I volunteer at.  During orientation I was with everyone that was a new hire--even nurses.  I would see the new nurses and where they were going to be working in the hospital and think 'I could do that' or 'I wish I was getting ready to do that'.  Then when we split off and I was with the new hire Care Assistants we would be talking and they were all planning on going on to nursing school.  Most were not ready to apply anytime soon but I could still apply by this Sept. if I wanted. 

I did not like when these feelings would come over me and I knew they were NOT from God.  I am so excited about the position I am going in to.  Right now I am at peace about where I am in life and don't have a desire to move on to become an RN.  I have prayed and asked God to REALLY let me know without a doubt, make it VERY clear to me if I am to pursue nursing school.

Last summer when I was praying for God to help me with peace this is the verse he gave me to hold on to.  I saw then how it helped in many ways but this past week I could see how it helped in BIG ways.

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30

So there you go, just a peek into my heart on a struggle I had last week and still deal with and most likely will to some extent but I am praying God would cont. to lead me on this journey of life.  As long as I am walking with Him daily and in His will for my life I will be at peace.

Week ONE!!

WOOHOO!!  I made it through week one of my new job without, well, dying.  Getting up between 4:30-5 a.m. is really not my idea of fun BUT I do love mornings--just NOT that early.  I am VERY thankful that by midweek my energy was back from my illness.  Thankful that the first 3 days I did a lot of sitting.  I am home, still in scrubs, cute ones by the way, wanting...no needing SLEEP!!  

   

I feel like I have not seen my family but this is all new and I do believe they all understand.  My husband has been so supportive and happy for me.  I went to ask him about his day and apologize for not being "around" both physically and mentally this week and he said that is fine and normal.  I have to get used to this and it will take a little time and he is just fine with that.  What a wonderful man I have!

Tuesday is when I got home around 6, and the evening was a blur.  I had to wash & iron my scrubs, shower, eat dinner and I HAD to be in bed by 9 pm.  With a little help I had it all done and asleep by 9:05pm.  The next day I could tell my energy was coming back.  Still tired but happy and tired.

I just feel so very blessed that God has placed me in this job.  Even when I had times I was really tired or didn't feel the best I knew I was exactly where God wanted me--I have had NO DOUBTS!!  Now I am looking forward to the next part of my orientation and that is on the floor I will be working and I will be working 3- 12 hour shifts a week.  To me that sounds better than M-F all day.  I say BRING IT ON, I AM READY!!

In my devotion this morning a verse I read really helped me since I was really struggling with being so tired even after a good night sleep.  I read it several times because it just really reminded me what I need to do.

"Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him, and he will help you."  Psalm 37:5

So I made sure to commit my day to the Lord and I had a really good day.  Still tired but a good tired.  He is always there to help me and I work to always Trust Him.  So a great way to end a great week and start a great weekend.  I plan to continue to commit everything to God AND trust Him always.

If I don't quit now I will just keep on rambling since I am so tired.  Have a great weekend and I will be back very soon for more updates.  Updates on some struggles I had this week......stay tuned.

Tomorrow is......

....Monday
....June 21st
....The First Day of Summer
....AND....

THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW JOB!!!

but, but, MY PLANS!!!

We look at our calendar and see the many things on there.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming and other times it looks very good.  We start our week and just keep moving from one thing to the next like normal.  That is until something stops us......

I recently had that happen.  Of course this is not the first and won't be the last I am sure.  Raising 4 kids plans change a lot.  Being married plans change a lot.  Just being human and having family and friends our plans get changed A LOT.  Some people move through these changes with ease and others not so much.  Some changes are easier to move through than others no matter the personality.  For me I like to see my calendar and I don't like too many changes.  I can flow with many of them and then completely stress over others.

This past weekend I was looking at my calendar and was happy to see a relaxed yet a few fun things on the upcoming week.  I felt I needed this week to prepare mentally and physically for my upcoming job.  That is when "it" hit...I got sick.  OK, I was not wanting this but thought it would only last about 24 hours and the rest of my week would be good.  It was NOT meant to be. 

Monday I was feeling worse and that is when the anger set in.  Tuesday it was fear.  Wednesday complete frustration.  My week was going by and I was not able to do the things I wanted.  I was resting but NOT relaxing.  Not getting my mind and body ready for my job.  Finally to the doctor on Thursday to find out that it is just the residual affects from the "bug" I had Saturday night and that it would most likely last 7-10 days but could possible be more.  I had to REST, REST, REST and get LOTS of fluids.  At first I cried, this "bug" had ruined my week and possible my upcoming weekend.  Will I be ready for my new job on Monday, I wondered.  The doctor reassured me that I should be good enough to start my job, just may not feel 100%. 

My wonderful husband had been taking care of me and was very positive about the whole thing.  At least we knew why I was still feeling so bad and it will end and most likely soon.  This is all good news.  We can still have fun, just adjust to watching movies and playing games instead of going out on a date.  This did shift my attitude as I did see that even though I had plans for this week God used my week differently.  My husband reminded me that we were thankful last weekend that it was then and not this coming weekend that the "bug" hit--true.  I didn't have anything on my calendar that couldn't be adjusted easily so it has all worked out.

So as I sit on my bed "resting" I think back and I am a bit ashamed of how I reacted.  I have asked God to forgive me for not completely trusting Him in all this.  I did do a lot of whining and complaining--I think I am good at that.

My "ruined" week was only ruined because of MY attitude toward it.  I have grown from this past week.  I would prefer to not have gone through all this and hope and pray I don't ever have to again but illnesses happen.  I was so stuck on ME and MY plans that I took my eyes off the truth.

"You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail."  Proverbs 19:21

My plans & God's plans may not be the same and if I am working and wanting to walk in His will then I need to be prepared for the "hiccups" in my plans that are really the plan's God has for me.  Do I think He made me sick--NO.  I just think He allowed it to happen for some reason.  Maybe to grow me in this.  Maybe to remind me to TRUST HIM!!  To remind me that He is in control and that is what I want for my life.  So I have NO reason to complain now do I.

So next time my plans get changed I hope I will be able to go with the flow knowing that it is all in God's plan and He is in control.  For me that is VERY reassuring.  I hope it is for you.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."  Isaiah 55:8

Stepping Out

I am stepping out of my comfort zone, heading into a new phase in my life.  In one week I will be starting a new job.  I am very excited but also a bit scared.  I have not really worked outside my home in over 15 years.  I have been raising my kids which I so much have enjoyed but they are now grown and it is time for me to do something else with my life.  For a few years now I have been trying to "figure out" mostly on my own what I am suppose to do now that I have a lot of time on my hands.  I am too young to just "retire".  Really I am way too young!!

I have taken classes to further my education in the thoughts that I would go to nursing school.  I have everything I need but just don't have a peace about going.  I am not sure why but I have prayed about it so much and it always comes back to "that is not where you are suppose to be".  So last summer I started applying at hospitals for Care Assistant (CNA) positions.  I was offered a job last Aug. but it did not feel right.  I left the interview (the first profession interview I had been on in a long time) feeling about 50/50 on wanting the job.  Over the weekend I ended up knowing that I did NOT want the job and prayed that they would not even offer me the job.  I was not sure why but again I did NOT have a peace about it.  They did call a week after the interview and offered me the job.  I thanked them and then turned them down.  At the time it all felt right but for me given time I will second guess myself--something I tend to do to myself.  I did see through the fall and winter that it was best that I didn't have the job.  I was still applying for jobs in hospitals off & on over the months.  I really wanted to work at the Children's hospital that I volunteer at but those Care Assistant jobs are very hard to get.  Plus with me being out of the work force for so long I knew it was a long shot but I kept on applying.

A few months ago I really was having a rough time and I could just feel God pulling me closer to him.  I started spending more time in the Word and in prayer.  I started to journal both my thoughts and prayers.  I had also started my worry box that I have blogged on earlier.  I was trusting God with my future.  I got to where I just felt at complete peace about whatever God had for me was going to be just right.  If I was to remain a housewife then I was happy and content to do that.  I knew that God would be able to use me & the gifts He has given me in so many different areas as long as I was walking in His will.

Casting Crowns has a song that has really helped me during this time called Voice of Truth.  Here is just a bit of the song:

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes

To climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name

And they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again "Boy, you'll never win!"

"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

The voice of truth says, "Do no be afraid!"

The voice of truth says, "This is for my glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

That is just a bit of the song but it really hit home for me.  I had (still have) that inner voice that tells me I can't do this or that.  That is the lies.  I also have the truth that has been coming through and it is telling me to not be afraid.  God's Word is the Truth that is helping me and guiding me.

As I have looked back over my journal and all the verses God has given me to guide me and to show me what He wants for my life it has been so reassuring.  I wish I could list them all here but that would be a lot.  I will share a few:

"I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."  Psalm 16:7

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."  Proverbs 16:9

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."  Psalm 27:14

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13

OK that is just a very small sample of the verses I have in my journal.  These plus many others have helped me in my journey over the last few months.  They still help me everyday.  I am depending on God moment by moment in my life.

So as I step out of the boat into the unknown waters of a new and exciting job I am reaching for the hand of Jesus to hold me up so I do not sink.

I feel that God has blessed me with this job and He will give me what I need to do it and to move forward in my life and not be "stuck" which would be the easier thing to do, at least for me.

So next Monday, June 21st I will start my hospital orientation for a Care Assistant position at the Children's Hospital that I now volunteer for.  WOW!!  I walked away from that interview back in April wanting the job but just trusting that if God wanted me there then it would all work out and if not I was content to keep trusting.  I was offered the job on May 5th.  I had to wait until June to start which was OK since so much has happened in that time and it has come up really fast.

It is just amazing to see what happens when I just let go and let God take control in my life.  To just let Him direct my path.  I am scared about starting this new job but not because I don't think I can do the job but because it is all new for me again.  Working long hours and being away from home.  This is where I just have to trust and depend on God at ALL times.

So I just keep praying for God's direction and that He will use me in this position.  I need prayer from others to help me not get overwhelmed with fear as the day is fast approaching.

Trust in God and His Truth!!!  Obey His commands!!! 

What an AWESOME GOD!!!