Insanity

I LOVE this quote!!  I know that may seem weird but it is so true.  How many times do we continue to do the same things over and over hoping the end result will be different?

I will give you an example (not exact but close) of something I was doing.

Several years ago I wanted my husband to change something about himself (it is my job right since I am his wife).  So instead of praying about it I kept saying the same thing over and over to him hoping that he would get a clue and change.  GUESS WHAT??  It did NOT work!!  I realized WHAT I was saying was more demeaning than helpful so why would a guy want to change if he felt like he couldn't do better.  I know it is NOT my place to change him (which I have known this all my life but I think it is kind of human nature to try and change others).  Also nagging doesn't help--and I have been married long enough to know this but again I am hard-headed and stubborn.

So I try and remember this when I am trying to change something about myself (I know I can't change others but I sure can keep working on me).  No I am not insane--although I am sure there are plenty out there that would say I am.  I am just strong-willed, hard-headed and sometimes it takes a 2 by 4 across my head for God to get me to understand what He is trying to teach me.  I don't like that and wish I would just learn the first time and not have to go through the craziness.  I am a work in progress....

Struggling

I am struggling.  I lost 4 lbs when I was sick just over a month ago and I can't afford to lose weight.  I have tried to gain it back but with the busy days and trying to adjust to working again it just isn't happening.  Plus add the stress that I put on myself or allow myself to take on and that doesn't help.  I am not a stress eater, I am the opposite of that.  Eating is difficult when I am stressed.

I took a day off this week to try and feel better but it is not working.  I knew that stepping outside my comfort zone would be uncomfortable but this is way beyond that.  I could take uncomfortable but this is very painful and very unpleasant.  I think I am doing well then realize I am not.  The stress is killing me and it is not the job itself but me and the pressure I put on myself.  They are working with me to make sure I take care of myself and then I feel weak, like I can't do what everyone else can do.  I just don't understand and I wish I did. 

.....Ummmm

OK, so last week was my first week on my job and it went just fine.  I said I would come back with some struggles I had.  Well here I am and I am not sure where to start. 

Besides recovering from an illness, being tired and a bit overwhelmed with so much information I did have a bit of a struggle with......ENVY!

What was I envious of? 

Here is a little background to let you in on why I had/have a bit of a struggle with this.

I became a Medical Assistant right out of high school and loved it.  I worked part time as I was raising my kids but found that to be a bit much and then quit.  I had a desire to someday become a nurse.  Through the years I have taken classes to slowly get me to that goal.  Since my kids are now older I have had the opportunity to go back to school and finish the needed classes to apply to nursing school.  In August of 2008 I did just that.  By the summer of 2009 I had all the classes I needed and pretty much everything except a physical done ready to apply in Sept. 2009.  When I started classes in 2008 I gave it all to God and asked that he would let me know if I was doing this because I needed something to do or was it still a passion.  During that time while taking classes I went back and forth on whether or not this was still really a passion or was it becoming more of a pride thing.  Did I just want to have an RN behind my name and be able to tell others I was a nurse.  With the help of a godly woman, my mother-in-law, I was able to see that my "confusion" at the time was really a lack of peace about the whole thing.  I then spent some time in fervent prayer about the situation and realized that it was NOT the right time for me to apply to nursing school.  WOW, did I have peace after that.  Once I let it go I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulder's.

I started applying to hospitals for Care Assistant or CNA positions because I really have a passion for health care and knew that I could use that in some way.  My Medical Assistant background would help but I was too far removed to go back into working as a Medical Assistant.

OK, now to the ENVY of last week.  I am a Care Assistant at a Children's Hospital, the same one I volunteer at.  During orientation I was with everyone that was a new hire--even nurses.  I would see the new nurses and where they were going to be working in the hospital and think 'I could do that' or 'I wish I was getting ready to do that'.  Then when we split off and I was with the new hire Care Assistants we would be talking and they were all planning on going on to nursing school.  Most were not ready to apply anytime soon but I could still apply by this Sept. if I wanted. 

I did not like when these feelings would come over me and I knew they were NOT from God.  I am so excited about the position I am going in to.  Right now I am at peace about where I am in life and don't have a desire to move on to become an RN.  I have prayed and asked God to REALLY let me know without a doubt, make it VERY clear to me if I am to pursue nursing school.

Last summer when I was praying for God to help me with peace this is the verse he gave me to hold on to.  I saw then how it helped in many ways but this past week I could see how it helped in BIG ways.

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30

So there you go, just a peek into my heart on a struggle I had last week and still deal with and most likely will to some extent but I am praying God would cont. to lead me on this journey of life.  As long as I am walking with Him daily and in His will for my life I will be at peace.

Are you Unbalanced?

Do you feel like you have to many things going on?  Do you feel rushed a lot or frazzled with all of life's demands?  Well I do, at least at times.

This past week I would have a good day then I would feel frazzled about a lot of little things and then a good day then the next frazzled again.  I have been working to balance my life.  This is not easy since there are so many unknowns that come up.  When you are married and have kids it is very hard to stay balanced but not impossible.

I am learning a lot of how to balance my life and part of that is saying NO to things.  This is not easy when I feel pulled in different directions.  I am learning what my priorities are.  I have always known the order--or what I thought was the order:  God, Husband, Kids, Others  That makes sense--right?  Well there seems to be something...or someone missing in that list.  ME!!  It may sound a bit selfish but it is not.  I (we) have to take care of ourselves to be able to take care of others.  I don't mean I am putting ME at the top of others in all circumstances but I have to put me in there somewhere.

Let see where I should put ME......Me, God--no that can't work.  I think it would have to be...God, me, Husband, Kids, Others!!  Yep that works.  Notice that the ME in that list is a little ME.  That is because I feel that we have to put ourselves up there as a priority but for our basic needs (time with God, food, sleep, self care, etc...) not to put ourselves up there so that we are off doing things all the time without thinking of others.  I know when I am well rested, eating good and taking care of myself I have time & energy for just about anything that comes up.  Makes my husband happy to see me taking care of myself and I like to see my husband happy.

Do I think as woman, mothers, wives that we should take time out for ourselves for fun--absolutely!!!  The key here is BALANCE! 

As long as we are spending time with God, taking care of our husbands, kids and ourselves it seems to all fall into place.  I don't know about you but I want to be Supermom but I tried that and my cape burned up in flight.  We can't do it all and we have to make time for ourselves.

For me I think this may be a life long challenge but we will see.  God has really been doing a lot of work in me and I like where He is taking me.  I just have to remember to surrender to Him daily and stay in His will and I will have a joy-filled life.  Will I get frazzled--most likely but I am hoping that those days will become less and less the closer I walk with my Lord.