In Need of Sleep

WOW!!  Can't believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged.  I have been busy or lazy...let's go with busy, it sounds better.

I started a new job in July and I really love it.  Part-time, close to home, flexible & I am working as a Medical Assistant in Family Practice which I love .  So, Yes, I have been busy adjusting and working. 

I am working to get a balance between home & work but that seems to take some time for me.  Oh well it will happen...all is good.

What is not good is this battle with insomnia that I have been dealing with.  I have had this issue off & on all my life, even as a child.  I know I am weird. 

Sometimes I can't get to sleep.  My brain just won't slow down enough.  I stare at the clock when I should just get up.  I don't have the best sleep habits and that is something I am working on.



Other times I fall a sleep just fine but I wake a lot and I mean a lot, like every half hour.  I just don't feel rested.  I am not getting good sleep or restful sleep to recharge my body.

I have tried everything but I don't stick with a healthy bedtime habit but even when I do it has not worked for me.

I have tried many different medications both prescription and over-the-counter but I don't like the side effects or the "hangover" effect so I try and avoid them.  I will try them when I feel I am about to lose my mind from not sleeping for several days but only if I don't have to get up early for something.  So that cuts out a lot of the nights.  At this point I am ready to knock myself out for a couple days.

Last Sunday night I did not sleep at all.  I did finally fall asleep around 5 am Monday morning but was pretty much awake by 8:30.  I had to get up and get ready for work that afternoon.  I will admit I cried a lot that morning and my poor husband had to hear all about my woes (he is such a blessing and such a big help--I love him so very much.  He is awesome!). 

I did get up around 2 am and did some journaling and reading.  Here is something I have in my journal:

"What's wrong with me?  Why can't I be a better person?  better wife?  a better mother?

With little to poor sleep I (and I think this is with most people) start to really have doubts about myself and my abilities.  I over think things and I get a wrong perspective on how life is and how I am handling it.  Nobody is perfect and I will be the first to admit that I am not. 

As I was reading my devotion this morning I was reminded of God's love for me.  God loves me for me and not what I do.  He does not love me just when I keep my house clean, laundry done, cooking or even serving all the time.  His love is unconditional.  Yes, we are to go and do God's work but His love and grace is not based on our works.  This I am so very thankful for.  I did just sit and thank God for His love for me this morning.  How awesome is that and so wonderful to think about.  Even when I mess up, God is there and He is not going to leave me.  Now I can work to change my perspective.

"What is wrong with me?"  I am a sinner saved by grace.  So there is nothing wrong (except being human).

"Why can't I be a better person?"  I can through my faith in Jesus Christ and my cont. growth in Him.  I am not a bad person.  Reading God's Word and spending time with Him will just help me see that I am exactly the person God created me to be--flaws and all.

"better wife?  a better mother?"  Again growing in my faith and reading God's Word will help me in these areas.  If you ask my husband I think he will tell you I am a good wife--not perfect but perfect for him.  I am not a perfect mother but I am the perfect mother for my kids. 

God blessed me with the most wonderful husband and 4 wonderful children. 

I will close with this.  I am praying for a great night sleep--I need it bad.  I am seeking God to help me keep my eyes on Him so that I don't lose focus on myself and this life He has blessed me with.  And I pull this verse again to help me get through these tough days until I do get some good rest:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Lord, I need rest.  I am so tired and worn-out.  I pray I will sleep well at night.  I ask for more energy during the day and a more vibrant spirit.  Lighten my load so I can have a better balance among my work, my ministry and my home life.  Replenish me, Lord.  As I unwind in spirit and body, please fill me with peace and rest.  Prayer taken from Prayers with Purpose for Women.

It's been a while....

...since I have really posted on here.  So I thought I would maybe do a bit catching up.  This could be VERY boring so WARNING AHEAD!!

I think my last "real" entry might have been when I got back from Haiti in April--where has the time gone.  First, I have to say missions trips do change you.  Once back I went through every emotion over a period of several weeks.  I did re-Americanize (if that is a word) so to speak but still I feel changed.  I did end up dealing with a mild/moderate depression for a bit but thankfully that is over.  Again, I was told this is normal.  One person told me they have been on 5 missions trips and dealt with depression after every one.  It helps to know I am normal (well I am far from normal but that is OK).

Then add in the normal business of life and well we are back to me being crazy (well crazy normal maybe).   Since I had quit my job before leaving for Haiti I soon felt lost wondering what I was suppose to do with my life now.  I prayed every day that God would show me where he wanted me next.  This the the answer I got every time..."TRUST ME, you are right where I want you right now."  AND "PATIENCE, I have great things for you just be patient and trust ME."  So that is what I have done just been waiting and trusting.  I don't just sit around waiting--although at times that does sound pretty good and I am not always patient.


red, white & blue bracelet for the 4th of July

I started a hobby.  I started making jewelry and now it is really fun and a bit addicting--I have to watch myself that I don't go and buy all kinds of beads just because they are pretty or on sale...that is unless I DO have a plan for them.  I just need to keep a balance and not spend too much time on that and not on more important things...like sleep, cleaning, spending time with others, etc...  So now I have a hobby and I really enjoy it.



HOPE bracelet



Started out with some very easy stretch bracelets... 





Necklace & Earrings I made for my mom

...but soon moved into some more exciting and creative necklaces and earrings. FUN!!

I am still cooking and except for a couple weeks I felt VERY lazy I am still enjoying it.  I have felt lazy but realize that I am dealing with allergies, I do get out and mow and do yard work, work around the house, help others when I can...so really I guess I am not lazy just sometimes not as motivated as others to do some of the normal housework that needs to be done. 



I have dealt with some insomnia & it has happened to me the last 2 months that my husband & I had nursery duty at church.  I still went & played with the babies but then took a nap in the afternoon.  Don't like insomnia and don't always know why it is happening but hey it all works out as long as I don't get to grumpy--right!!



EXERCISE!!!  I NEED to be doing that but that is one area I keep putting off...OOPS!!  I will work on that.

Well I hope your summer is a great one...it sure is going by fast that is for sure.  Also, it is HOT out there.  So if you read this far then have a GREAT day and thanks for reading my ramblings...

Falling down...

...is not FUN!!  So here's the story.  Yesterday I was working and it was going fine when I went to get a room ready for a kiddo coming from surgery.  There had been another kid in there earlier and the cleaning crew had come in and got the room all nice and clean.  This is all good.  I got ALL the stuff I needed for the kiddo coming in and as I took a few steps inside the room...WAMMMM I was on the ground BUT the linens were in my left hand up in the air NOT touching the floor (this is very important).  I hit hard and it hurt.  My right hand and wrist started bruising right away.  I had help immediately but I was afraid they would fall so told them to be careful.  Usually the cleaning crew will leave a sign outside the room to let us know the floor is still wet.  There was NO sign.  I was more embarrassed than anything at the time except my hand hurt.  I had to go to occupational health (sorry but that was a joke--"can you bend your elbow?"--YES, "can you bend your wrist?"--YES, "do you need to see a doctor?"--NO--that was it).  So back to work I went and I had people asking the rest of the day if I was OK and I was but I knew I hit that floor hard and I knew I would be sore once I slowed down.

So I have had a lot of ibuprofen to help and my wonderful husband got me some before I got out of bed this morning since I was already feeling the aches from the fall.  As my day has gone on I have felt the aches and pains of that fall but I am fine.  I have bruises that I am thinking "how did I get that one from the fall" but who knows. 

Thankfully I have today off and the weekend for that matter--WOOHOO!!  I have a date planned with my hubby but a few of the things we thought about (bowling was one) we are not going to do since I fell.  Don't want to make anything worse.  We can still have FUN!!

I haven't been on much or posting things I want because 1) I have been busy, 2) I have been really stressed out lately & 3) been feeling a bit down but thankfully feeling a bit better today.  I am sure the "down" moods have been from the stress and I am working on that. 

Just read in my devotion this morning on having a "full" schedule, even if it is filled with "good" things is NOT good.  There is a season for everything and God does not want us filling our schedules to the point we don't have time for Him, family, friends & ourselves.  Even if those things are things that we know we are doing to serve God.  Like I said a season for everything and we need to make sure to check in and ask God what He wants us to be doing NOT just doing.  Maybe this is NOT the right time to take on teaching Sunday school or volunteering with the elderly.

As I read it reminded me of how I had been asking God about balancing work and home and then a week later He took away my volunteering.  My volunteering was a good thing and I really loved doing it.  I miss it but that season is over and it is time to move on and that is what I am doing.  That freed me up to make more time for my family.  I think God knew I wouldn't just give it up easily so He just took it.

I am still working towards that balance.  Some days are much better than others.  It is only the middle of Sept. and I am already stressing about the holidays.  Why, you ask?  I am a planner and the one thing about my job is I don't know what I am working until about 12 days before the next 4 week schedule comes out.  Very hard to plan.  Also I know I will be working 2 major holidays this year and my husband will be off.  My husband has reminded me that maybe I am the one that needs to be there on those days.  God uses me at work so much and I feel so blessed to be there.  I also know that God already knows my schedule and so I need not worry about it. 

I thought of changing my "worry" box to a "stress & worry" box since I feel so much stress at times.

Well I started this with my falling down story and then rambled on about other things.  That is me and how my life is...what can I say.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I hope to be back with more next week!!

The Ups and Downs of Life

It has been a couple weeks since I have posted and there is good reason...I have been busy and a bit stressed over a few things.  That is no reason but that is the fact.

The DOWNS in life I have, unfortunately, let get the best of me, at least at times.  More times than not to tell the truth.  This is something I don't like about myself and am working to change but it is NOT easy.

A couple weeks ago my husband was doing his devotion and said he really wanted to memorize a passage he just read.  I have been working, wanting, thinking about memorizing scripture lately.  I am not consistent with it but want to try a verse a week.  I told him I would memorize it with him.  I read the first verse a couple times got frustrated and gave up.  I need to just take one verse over a week or even 2 weeks instead of working on several verses at one time.  I was feeling so overwhelmed so I gave up and have YET to start again with another verse.  THIS IS ONE OF MY GOALS!!

I have set myself some goals.  Recently I was thinking about how I want to make sure I am a godly wife, good housewife, mom, friend, daughter, etc...  PLUS I want to do my best at my job.  So I have been praying for balance and direction in these areas.  Sometimes we don't always get the answers we want but once we think about it we realize that is exactly what was needed.

For example, I have been a volunteer for the last 2 years at the children's hospital I now work at.  Since I started my job I have only been able to get in to volunteer once I think.  My schedule is now where I could go in a bit more regular and I was very excited to be able to do that again.  Last week I got an email from my volunteer supervisor saying I can no longer volunteer in patient care areas.  WHAT???  I was so sad and hurt by this and the way she put it in the email it did not make sense to me (well it made sense but not WHY I couldn't volunteer anymore).  I cried over this and then had to keep going since I was to work the next day.  While in the shower it occurred to me that maybe this was a God thing.  Maybe this was God's way of answering my prayers.  I was not going to let it go so He took it from me.  I had done my part and now it was time to move on.  I am still sad about it but after thinking through it and then talking to my supervisor it all makes sense to me now.  With that no longer an option I now have more time to work on being a better housewife & do my best on my job.

After my shower I was ready for bed and sat down to read an online devotional I get and what was it all about...doing too much as women so we don't have to deal with LIFE!  Either we are living in chaos with a frazzled life or so stressed trying to control every aspect of our lives.  Of course this is not all women but it sure hit home with me that night.

The author of the devotion advised us to sit quietly with God.  Relax in His presence.  Being still with God is not always easy to do.  Our minds race with ALL the things we have to do.  God knows everything we have to do there are NO surprises to Him.  This is reassuring to me.  We need to let go of our fears, worries and doubts and just make room for God.

So I took a look at my calendar and started to "plan".  My schedule changes but I do know I work 2 days a week and every 3rd weekend so job...check.  I want to do better with my chores and since my work schedule changes I can't really say I will do this or that every Sat. so I made out a chart and will plan a week at a time so chores...check.  I have TIME WITH GOD at the very top, first thing in the morning on my weekly schedule, so quiet time with God...check.  I have to make sure I have some down time and time with my husband everyday so...check/check.  I feel like I am starting to be able to put things together.  I do know that plans change so I am going to make sure I stay flexible.

Since reading that devotion I have been working on the verse that she started with:

"Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me"  Psalm 31:3

I have more stresses that have been getting to me.  The monthly devotional I use I could not get so I went to the Christian book store and found a Beth Moore devotional on David.  Cool, this will keep me going for a while and it looks really good so I will have to let you know how it is.  It is called A Heart Like His.  I plan to start that in the morning.  I also have to go to work and self schedule--pick the days I want to work not including my weekends.  There are rules and I am just hoping I can get there and NOT have to work the days I don't want to.  I am pretty flexible I just have 3 days I don't want to work on that schedule so we will see.  I have been really working to trust God in all this since I have seen Him work out my schedule this whole time so why would He stop now.  Doesn't mean it will be just what I want but I know it will be OK no matter what.

So that has been my life lately and I guess I didn't really put any UP's in there but there are several ups to be happy about and I am still working on being positive although that is not always easy.  I am very thankful to have a wonderful husband, great kids, great friends, wonderful church, great family, great job.........so, so many things to be thankful for so there are quite a few UP's in my life.  I just have to make sure I keep looking at them and not the downs.

Life as I know it....

I am now a working woman and life as I knew it is different than what I have known for so long.  Of course life changes all the time.  This is a good...NO a GREAT change for me, just an adjustment and not just for me but also for my husband.  He is my biggest cheerleader but still having to adjust to a tired wife & a working wife.  I don't think it has been much of an adjustment for the kids, maybe a little but they are older and doing their own thing anyway. 

This is how I feel when I am home:

I am sure I will get used to all this soon and will not be so tired when I am home.  I did feel a bit overwhelmed on Thurs. after working Tues & Wed knowing I was working Friday.  I just felt like I had a lot to do and not enough time to get it all done in.  How did I take care of everything when I worked before?  At that time I had 2 small kids BUT I was younger and didn't know as much about life as I do now.  Plus I wasn't away from home for 14 hours on the days I worked.  Right now I drive to work watching the sunrise & home watching the sunset--pretty cool but I know that will change with the seasons.

I do know that I am absolutely LOVING my job.  I know I am right where God wants me at this time in my life.  I find I am so tired at home but I have the energy I need for those long days.  I appreciate all the prayers from family & friends that are praying for me--they are helping.  I see God's hand in everything I am doing and how He has been working in & through me in this job.  I feel so blessed I don't even have words for how I feel.

On Thurs, my day off, I asked my husband if I could just be a lazy housewife.  Of course that is not what I want but I was feeling so tired and overwhelmed.  I am over that...at least for today.

As I was preparing for my week I was cutting strawberries to take for a snack and it reminded me of when my kids were younger and cutting up LOTS of fruit for them and standing at the sink for a long time to cut all kinds of fruit to have it all eaten in a very short time.  Four kids can go through fruit FAST.  I usually made 2-3 bowls and made them eat it over 2-3 days instead of all at once.  Anyway, as I was standing there cutting the strawberries I thought of that and I was a little sad, I was missing having young ones around but I know that phase of my life has passed and one day I hope to be cutting strawberries for my grandkids.  It is funny how ones perspective on an event from years ago can be so different.  Back then I am sure I was dealing with impatient kids and a list of things to get done while cutting all that fruit but now all I remember is how much I loved doing that for my kids.  I don't think about any of the "stresses" that may have been surrounding me at that time in my life.  Interesting!!

OK, a little off the subject but that is how my brain works--haha.  I have been working on a balance to make sure I put God as my first priority of everyday.  I am getting up and have my spot where I sit and have a little prayer then do my devotion & the Bible reading to go with that.  I then listen to worship music as I get ready, then on my drive to work I use that as my prayer time.  So far this is working out very well for me.  I feel that God has prepared me well for this job and he will cont. to give me what I need to cont. to do this work for him.  I see it more as a ministry for God to use me than a job.  I pray God will use me to serve everyone I work with.

One verse that I came across about a week ago has been a BIG help for me is Psalm 37:5 (this is the NLT version).  I made a card up to carry with me and here is what it looks like:

I pray this everyday.  I commit ALL I do to the Lord, Trust him & ask for his help knowing he will help me in all I do. 

How reassuring!!

(I am not sure why I used this picture but I thought it cute even though the cat is after the little birdies).

Are you Unbalanced?

Do you feel like you have to many things going on?  Do you feel rushed a lot or frazzled with all of life's demands?  Well I do, at least at times.

This past week I would have a good day then I would feel frazzled about a lot of little things and then a good day then the next frazzled again.  I have been working to balance my life.  This is not easy since there are so many unknowns that come up.  When you are married and have kids it is very hard to stay balanced but not impossible.

I am learning a lot of how to balance my life and part of that is saying NO to things.  This is not easy when I feel pulled in different directions.  I am learning what my priorities are.  I have always known the order--or what I thought was the order:  God, Husband, Kids, Others  That makes sense--right?  Well there seems to be something...or someone missing in that list.  ME!!  It may sound a bit selfish but it is not.  I (we) have to take care of ourselves to be able to take care of others.  I don't mean I am putting ME at the top of others in all circumstances but I have to put me in there somewhere.

Let see where I should put ME......Me, God--no that can't work.  I think it would have to be...God, me, Husband, Kids, Others!!  Yep that works.  Notice that the ME in that list is a little ME.  That is because I feel that we have to put ourselves up there as a priority but for our basic needs (time with God, food, sleep, self care, etc...) not to put ourselves up there so that we are off doing things all the time without thinking of others.  I know when I am well rested, eating good and taking care of myself I have time & energy for just about anything that comes up.  Makes my husband happy to see me taking care of myself and I like to see my husband happy.

Do I think as woman, mothers, wives that we should take time out for ourselves for fun--absolutely!!!  The key here is BALANCE! 

As long as we are spending time with God, taking care of our husbands, kids and ourselves it seems to all fall into place.  I don't know about you but I want to be Supermom but I tried that and my cape burned up in flight.  We can't do it all and we have to make time for ourselves.

For me I think this may be a life long challenge but we will see.  God has really been doing a lot of work in me and I like where He is taking me.  I just have to remember to surrender to Him daily and stay in His will and I will have a joy-filled life.  Will I get frazzled--most likely but I am hoping that those days will become less and less the closer I walk with my Lord.