Obedience is not easy!

For the last year I have been really praying that God would use me and the gifts that He has given me.  With this prayer comes responsibilities that at times are not fun or easy.  Sometimes they can be quite painful...at least in the mind (or my crazy mind).

I thought my job at the Children's Hospital was it.  God did use me there but either I got in my own head or maybe it was a stepping stone to prepare me for something more.  It did stretch me.  I had been a stay-at-home mom for so long and was on MY schedule which was nice but the job made me step outside my comfort zone just a bit.

Recently I have been really asking God what He wants from me.  I really want to serve and grow into the godly woman He wants me to be.  Several things have come to mind, some of which I would not have thought of because they are things I didn't really care to do.  We will see.  I am trusting and that is what I have to do.

Well, on Sunday the 13th towards the end of our church service the pastor announced that they needed more people to go to Haiti.  I have always wanted to do a missions trip but the timing was not right and the call was not there.  This time I told my husband I wish I could go BUT there were so many reasons why I could not.

So I spend a lot of that week battling with God.  The list was long on why I could not or should not go and I told that list to God over & over but my heart kept coming back to going.

As we were heading to church on Sunday I thought to myself if they still needed people I would "check in to it".  Well they did and so I looked at my husband who was on the same page as I was and we went to talk to the pastor.  Yes, they needed more people and had prayed that God would bring the team together that day since the trip is coming up very quickly.  I had to give them a definite answer that day.  YIKES!!

After evening church I went to the team leader and told him YES I want to go.  Once I made that commitment a sense of peace came over me.  I knew I was being obedient to God.

"And this is love:  that we walk in obedience to his commands.  As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."  2 John 6

I still have the peace knowing I am doing what I am called to do but I have been battling intense fear.  Not so much fear of going to Haiti but flying...yes I have a fear of flying.  Not crashing, although I am sure if the plane were going down I would have fear then.  This is just a fear of being trapped in the tube.  I know crazy...  Every time I even think about flying I get anxious.  I thought maybe I could drive to Florida then just take one plane instead of the 3 there and 3 back.

To be honest I have no idea why God is calling me to do this.  I do have a servant heart and have always wanted to do missions.  I have asked God--why now??  I have soooo many reasons not to go--why now?? 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8-9

I don't know if I will know completely why now but it doesn't really matter.  If God has called me to go to Haiti then He will equip me with everything I need to do His work while I am there.  He will also give me everything I need to got on those airplanes (maybe some really nice meds to calm me).

I am being stretched much harder than I felt ready for.  I am stepping WAY outside my comfort zone.  Even through all the stress, fear and never ending thoughts of things I need to do and get before I go I still feel at complete peace that I am doing what God has called me to do and that is GO. 

I think of Gideon (and many others in the Bible that said they were not equip but God always gave them what they needed, when they obeyed Him) and how God used him.  Gideon was not the strongest or the bravest and was considered the least of his tribe but he was willing to be used.  So like Gideon I am not the strongest or the bravest but I am willing and I think that is all God wants me to be, simply willing.

In just over 4 weeks I leave with my team from church to go to Haiti.  My heart is already there and I have never been.  Funny how that works.  I leave you with one request--please PRAY!!  Pray for our team, pray for God to work through us, pray for the people of Haiti to be open to hearing the Gospel, pray for me and ALL my fears (esp. flying).  Thank you!